77 posts tagged “relationships”

I ran the Double Dipsea this weekend and came in second in my age group...but the best part was that Mr. Lawyer was there cheering me on at the finish line. Friday night, I was planning on going on a short jog to loosen my legs up and then was going to stay in and chill so that I would be well rested and hydrated for my race. He called and wanted to come over and chill with me which was nice. We ate dinner and then cuddled, had great sex and went to sleep. He also said he wanted to come to the race which was a surprise. He drove me there early in the morning, was being super sweet and kissing me, holding me in public. He said he would go surf while I ran and then be back to watch me cross the finish. I was a little nervous he wouldn't get back in time or show up but as I was coming in, I could hear his voice and I saw him standing there with his phone out taking a picture of me. When I got to the end of the finish, the volunteers were trying to take the stub from my bib to record my time and were mad at me for pinning it up so they couldn't easily tear it off. He was standing there trying to help and holding me as I was feeling a little shaky and sick - it was a really HOT day out there and one of the most challenging runs I've ever completed. Anyway, not only did he come and cheer me on at the finish line, but he also brought me a cooler full of ice cold Blue Moons. We stayed and drank a beer - watched my other friend finish - and then layed on the grass and waited for the award ceremony - he was insistent that we wait since I came in 2nd in my division. I've never felt more into him than I did at this moment - and while its scary and I may get hurt, I'm still really happy when I'm around him and don't want to push him away or out of my life.

We hung out the rest of the day - he napped, I did some errands. We used my new toy (thank to N who sent it as a joke) and then got ready to go out to dinner. We had reservations at Pres a Vi in the Presidio. I was starving and it was very good. I had halibut and great wine. Afterward, we took a little walk and then decided to go to the bars. We went to Mauna Loa and Balboa. He was being sweet but there have also been some things on my mind. At one point, he called me his girlfriend - but am I really his girlfriend yet? It doesn't feel like we're completely back together...I am enjoying "taking thing slowly."

Sunday, we woke up and went to church. Afterward, he suggested we go to Velo Rouge Cafe near his place and have mimosas and a little something to eat. He's been so fun lately. We watched the last few minutes of the soccer game, ate a bagel, drank mimosas and then headed over to the De Young to see the Chihuly exhibit. We had stopped at Safeway to get drinks because he was in the mood to drink before we went in. We had these disgusting drinks - similar to Sparks - but called Tilt. He kept toasting me and saying, "let's get tilted!" CUTE. The exhibit was awesome - we took a bunch of pictures to send to his grandma. He kept askign about my PTO as I think he wants to invite me to join he and his family in Florida later this summer.

WE got back from Chihuly and were starving. I made Ziti - it was bombtastic. Then, he wanted to get work done and wanted me to come with. We went to his office, worked adn then over to Y and C's to pick up my bridesmaid dress. He was being so amazing last night.

I was so exhausted when we finally got home - I think I passed right out. But woke up to all these strange nightmares - I actually screamed in my sleep. He held me tighter and asked me if I was ok. I don't know what that was all about - the strange dreams - but this morning was so tired, I slept through my alarm. I always hate to see him go in teh morning.

I'm ready for a verdict in the case of Jski versus Mr. Lawyer. We had a nice night two nights ago - a little wine at Bin38, nice conversation, and then extremely hot sex. We're still in the gray area and I hate it, I'm tired of it. My girlfriend Y is having a birthday dinner tonight at Epic Roasthouse which I'm super excited for. However, I'm not sure if I can invite him to be my date or not? I'm not sure if its off limits to hang two nights in a row since we're going to the soccer game tomorrow night? She made the rezzies for 5 which would include him.

Its almost the end of the day and I still haven't asked him about it. Ugh - shoot me now.

My relationship with Mr. Lawyer is as complicated as ever right now. He says we're "together" but moving slowly. However, we don't feel very together to me. I feel like he tries his hardest to avoid me, spend very little time with me and then will make date plans with me a few times a week. I understand that he thinks we need to rebuild and do that slowly but since when is sleeping alone most nights of the week better than having sex often during the week? And not just sex, but being intimate with someone? I don't understand guys - I especially don't understand him. Is this really just the classic, "cake and eat it too scenario" or is this really "moving slowly" and "rebuilding/seeing if we can make things work.." I'm never quite sure what to think.

He's not dating - or at least he promises me, he's not dating - but then why so distant? Why let the past rule the future? To me, it seems the best way to rekindle and reconnect is to do just that - to figure out what went wrong and then make it right. I'm open to doing that which I've already told him. I want to spend time with him, show him how I care for him, not nag or argue with him and move on past the rut we fell into a few months ago. I know what mistakes I made and he says he's aware of the mistakes he made so why not MOVE ON? Why not actually give love a chance? Why live in a past that we are both agreeing was less than perfect on both our parts?

Ugh - I just want to feel secure and loved. I don't want to feel distance from him any longer. It isn't about him living at my place, sleeping with me every night - its about him wanting to see me, needing me, desiring me and not being able to go days without me. I just want to feel desired and know that he's thinking about me when he's lying in bed at night (even if he's not lying with me). I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

As if my life wasn't complicated enough, the Psycho Hose Beast Ex who recently came back into my life asking for forgiveness and understanding disappeared once again - wrote me a vague text message saying he quit his job and was moving back to his hometown in the South. He up and left and I thought I'd never hear from him again. And, today - here he is on my IM saying he's back in San Francisco and will I give him another chance?

I am not sure what it is about me that breeds these strange, less than perfect relationships. When I see happy couples around or the happy couples I know, it just makes me sad that I can't have that. It makes me think there's something wrong with my less than perfect self that infects every relationship I've ever been in.

I was supposed to head out to the lake on Saturday for some sun and wakeboarding with an old friend from high school so I had planned to stay in Friday night. As I was driving home on Friday afternoon, I passed Mr. Lawyer and noticed a girl in his car. He had told me he was going to a "work thing"  until 10. I freaked out. I text messaged him letting him know I had seen him, that he was an asshole, a liar and a jerk. He got back to me and assured me it was just his friend from high school that he was taking and nothing else. He said, please come out and meet us - I'm with her and her boyfriend. I want you to see that it wasn't a date - I promise. So of course, I'm still pissed, hurt, confused and decide to go. I have one beer and tell him I'm leaving. He says he will leave too. He follows me home and I am pretty short with him while he sits up in my room. On Saturday morning, I sleep through my alarm and its too late to go wakeboarding. We're cuddling, he's massaging my back and then all of a sudden, we're having hot, amazing sex. Like really hot and just oh so amazing! He doesn't want to get out of bed but I eventually make him and tell him I have things to go. He asks me to go to dinner with him later that evening. I leave to go run at  Mt. Tam - do about 16 miles or so - its blazing hot out but I'm feeling good and pumped to look good, no AMAZING for my date. I get home, rinse off and then walk around on Chestnut and Union St. hoping to score the perfect outfit for my date. I find this amazingly hot dress at Bebe, a little white coat and clutch to go with it. I look HOT.

He shows up at my place a little before our reservation and I come down the stairs feeling beautiful and confident. He immediately, says WOW - you look really nice. I'm thinking, of course I do, you twit. Ha. Anyway, we walk up to Terzo, this sort of modern Italian restaurant on Union with a really excellent wine menu. He orders a bottle of wine and we share the sea bass, chicken, a delicious arugula salad and warm pudding cake with vanilla ice cream. Everything things so natural, so good as we're talking and enjoying one another, the food and the wine. After Terzo, we head over to Nectar which is a wine bar (his choice). I have to pee like a race horse and run into the bathroom almost as soon as we get there. When I get back, there are two flights of red wine tastings on our table which is totally out of character of him - he was being cute and exciting. We do our tastings and decide to head out. He's holding my hand and pulling me in a different direction than my apartment. He says he wants to go for a walk. We walk down towards the Palace of Fine Arts holding hands, talking about what went wrong and how we feel. We try to sit on a bench but the sprinklers totally get us. He seems to be asking me to forgive him for the wrong he's done, and it seems he's asking me back and I feel like I'm floating. We walk back to my place eventually and it was like the most amazing sex ever - like we couldn't get enough of one another. More than ever - I realized how much I really do love him and how hard it is going to be if I lose him again.

Sunday, we're both up early for some reason and after more sex, decide to go to church. We stop and have coffee and read the paper and then head to the service. He holds my hand through the entire service. After church, I figured he'd have to back to the office to work and I ask him to drop me off at this salad/sanwhich place because I'm starving. He says, "let's get  brunch..." Again, out of character. We head over to Numa in the Richmond - apparently a Japanese restaurant that serves brunch. When the waitress comes and asks for our drink order, I tell her water is fine and he says, two mimosas please. Again, out of character. The food was less than spectacular but I didn't care. I was in heaven just being with him. After brunch, we drop off his car to get his tire repaired and they tell us it will  be a few hours before its ready so we head over to the USF campus to lie in the grass and enjoy the sunshine. He was being affectionate, stopping every few feet to kiss me on the lips, and incredibly just romantic (again, so out of character!!!). We layed together in the grass a few hours - dozing in and out of sleep - and just being in each other's arms. It was pure bliss. Then, the tire place called and we had to get up and walk back. He dropped me off at home and headed to work. He called me to say goodnight.

While we have no solution or decision, things feel good, no they feel GREAT. But I am afraid to get myself too worked up - I'm afraid he'll just pull the same shit again. I'm terrified I'm going to get hurt again but I really can't help the way that I am feeling right now. I guess I can't define what we are - Mr. Lawyer and I are on trial right now - and I hope the verdict is in soon.

I had to leave work a little early yesterday in order to rescue my wash and fold from the dry cleaners - it has literally been over a month since I've done laundry. Its not just laundry I'm lagging on, its everything. And I blame the break-up. Its like I have this "I don' t care" attitude when it comes to responsibilities including moving my car to avoid parking tickets. Not only have I been wearing dirty ass clothes to the gym for the past week but I've also accumulated about 8 parking tickets over this past month since the break-up after a string of NO parking tickets in something like 5 months. Crazy, how that  happens.

Anyway, after I retrieved my wash & fold, I decided to go and get my nails and toes did. I was relaxing in my chair when Mr. Lawyer called. He said he was on his way to some community group for church. We talk about how he basically acted like I didn't exist at the gym and how hard this has been. After we hang up and my nails are dry, I decide to call in sick to my date. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I walked to the grocery store got some refrigerated Indian food and made my way home for a relaxing night with my TV. It was just what I needed. Around quarter to 9, after a long conversation with my mom who just returned from Mexico, Mr. Lawyer called. We talked for several hours last night and even ended on a pleasant "good night" note.

In fact, most of the conversation was pleasant. We talked about everything, what was happening between us and opened up about the way we were both feeling. I told him I have to be mean to him right now - its defense - its trying to shield the actual pain and hurt I feel. He said he was hurting too. He said he had talked to his mom about the break-up for the first time and that she said that sometimes every good relationship needs to take a break to realize what's there. She said that she and his dad split up, got back together and then were married. He said maybe we just need time to realize if we're right for each other. Maybe he's right. I don't know. He said he wants to see me. He acted for the first time like he really did CARE that I was dating other people and got a little possessive - like tell that guy to back off - I  have to admit that made me feel good. So we've agreed to hang out again - like dinner and a drink - to talk and sort of "date" one another to see if we can't live without one another. I've decided that no matter what my friends say and even if this just ends in further heart break, I have to give love another chance. I can't just blow him off to do it. I still love him. I still want him in my life. And if there's still a glimmer of hope, I think I have to at least try. I'm not ready to just let him go.

So we'll see how things go from here. I'm not sure what will happen - could  be good or bad - but at least I will always know that I loved and took a chance on it.

I'm not saying I won't date other people. I'll continue to do that until he decides what he wants. I'm not just going to sit back and wait for him and I was honest with him about that. But I have to take him up on his offer to date and I have to trust that he really isn't looking for something better but taking time to make sure we're right.

Ugh - I wish it were easier than this.

Anyway, I think I will go wakeboarding in Sacramento this weekend...should be fun.

I went out with Mr. Midwest last night and I felt like I was in a parallel universe - like maybe I should have been sitting on my back patio looking out on my cornfields and six kids instead of sitting at Bin38 sipping Tempranillo from Argentina.

Mr. Midwest is a REALLY nice guy but not my type in terms of looks or personality. Looks wise - let's just say he has almost jerry curl blonde hair and is maybe 5'9. He's straight up from Nebraska and trying the big city life. He is by no means cultured - doesn't know boxed wine from a bottle, hasn't travelled much (besides his little CA adventure) and is looking for love, marriage, and children from a good, sweet woman.

At Bin38, we had one glass of wine and I could barely drink it which is a shame given how much I love their Tempranillo and I was dissapointed he didn't offer to get any food which I felt bad asking for especially since I knew I wouldn't be staying or chatting too long. I was feeling funny yesterday - had this strange pressure on the left side of my face all day - ran to track after work and then ran track practice, rushed home to shower/change and then met Mr. Midwest around 9:30 for some wine. When I got to the bar, my face felt flushed and the pressure was even worse than it had been while I was at work. And every sip I took, made me want to gag (very strange for me to gag on good wine). While I might normally use being sick as an excuse to get out of a really bad date, this wasn't the case. He wasn't a bad date or a bad guy, he's just not the man for me and I REALLY did feel funny.

With about five or six generous sips of wine left in my glass, I told him I just wasn't feeling that great and asked him to get the bill. He was understanding but I could tell he was dissapointed. I walked home and passed right out and all I thought about/dreamt of last night was Mr. Lawyer (pathetic, I know).

Then, I decided to get up early and hit the gym (as if track wasn't enough for me) and ended up seeing Mr. Lawyer. He looked so cute. His hair was like matted to his head and he was wearing these completely nerdy old man shorts while he was rocking out to his iPod on one of the girly cardio machines. We didn't acknowledge one another even though he called yesterday afternoon saying he wanted to see me. I kept glancing at him in the mirror careful not to let him see that I saw him. Ugh. I hate that I still think he's hot - even when he looks like the biggest dork in the gym. I wanted to walk up and kiss him and say something flirty and teasing like, "nice shorts old man..."

Ugh.

I'm supposed to go on yet another date with yet another guy tonight but really just don't feel like going. I am seriously considering cancelling because I know I won't  be impressed.

So last night, I went to dinner at Tres Agaves and then the Giant's game with a group of my girlfriends, A, A, C, N, Y and S. Y invited two of her co-workers to dinner as well which caused a slight panic being that the restaurant was crowded and we had only reserved a table for 6. Luckily, our waiter was pretty understanding and moved an additional table over to ours.

Anyway, as usual we're talking about men, relationships, and sex and my friend N mentions that she dislikes The Reverend (she has mentioned this before). Its a little irritating to me because the only reason she dislikes him is because he is a pastor and is liberal with his beliefs which I actually think is a pretty cool thing. Anyway, I tell her that's fine because its not like I'm in love with the guy or dating him exclusively or even sleeping with him! I mean, I'm just hanging out, or "dating" him - and what's the harm in that? I'm also "dating" like 8 other people. And as I am saying this, Y and N both kind of jump on me with, "don't go jumping back into a relationship.." And I'm irritated. I'm like, first of all, I didn't "jump" into my last relationship. I can't help it if I went out with him and needed to see him again, craved him, and then eventually fell in love with him. Sometimes you can't control who you love or when you love, it just happens. And, in my opinion, its nobody's business but your own, who you choose to date, love, marry, etc. As long as you're happy, that's all that should matter. So, I took offense and then was on defense. And when I get like that (especially when there's half a pitcher of margaritas at my disposal), it sort of takes over me for the rest of the night and I become a little bitchy - ok, a lot bitchy.

I was probably pretty snappy with them last night - in particular N and Y. I probably ignored them both a little during the game and they're probably slightly angry with me. But, its just like "back off!" All I'm doing right now is trying to heal. And for me, the best way to heal is to be social, is to be desired, and date. I am not one to lock myself in a room for a few weeks or cry myself to sleep every night. I mean, don't get me wrong - I still cry - I just choose to do it after a free dinner. I'm hurt. I'm still in love with Mr. Lawyer. I wish it were different. But I didn't "jump" into anything more than anyone else does. And I definitely don't judge my girlfriend's decisions to be or not be in relationships, to love or not love someone. I don't totally agree with all my friend's choices in men but that doesn't mean I say to their face, "I don't like him" or something to that extent.

I don't know. Ugh. I was frustrated, irritated and feeling defensive.

Anyway, the game was cold but fun. The Giant's (of course) lost badly. Best part was that the baseball player I hooked up with in college now plays for the Giant's and struck out last night. I definitely did a little dance and gave a little cheer for his failure. :) I know, I'm bad.

So I've decided that I might have possibly met my future husband at the gym. Well, ok, I lie. I didn't actually ever meet the guy but I've worked out next to him the last three times I've been there and all by coincidence. It seems that either I'm already there and then the machine next to me opens up and he's on it or vice versa. And then, once we've finished cardio, we always seem to be next to one another doing our thing, getting our buff on in the weight room. He's tall and handsome -not exactly my type - but he smells so delicious while he's running next to me on the treadmill. I don't know what it is - maybe he's sweating off after shave, cologne, deodorant or maybe its just his scent. Whatever it is, its intoxicating and I kind of can't stand it.

So last night, I'm waiting on a machine and talking with my co-worker who happens to be there. Then, a treadmill opens up and I zip over only to be pleasantly surprised that its HIM, My Future Husband yet again. I take in the scent. He smirks at me like he's acknowledging our strange coincidences but I don't say anything. We're both always wearing iPods. I try to look straight ahead while I run to avoid him cathing me staring at him in the mirror or worse staring at his biceps. Ha! And as usual, after I finish my cardio, I  head over to do some free weights and there he is next to the only empty bench.

To make matters even stranger, I was on my way home (he had left about 10-15 minutes prior) and I ran into him again! He was still in gym clothes but carrying a tennis racket. We almost ran right into each other - again the headphones and the smirk. It was the tennis racket that did me in - god knows I love a man with some tennis skills. :)

I need to sneak a peek and see if he has a ring....I guess that would foil all of my plans for him, for "us." Hahaha.

Ok, I really need to get out of here - now I'm just being creepy!

So first and foremost, I need to write about Sex & the City (aka SATC). I went with a large group of ladies (duh) to the Kabuki theater - awesome movie theater because its complete with a bar! We smuggled our own champagne in as any smart girls would do knowing how crowded the movie/bar would be. Girls were literally dressed to the nines - dresses, hot shoes - and all for a movie! I LOVED every minute of the experience. We had a few glasses of champagne in the bar and then headed in to the movie with glasses smuggled from the bar and more champagne.

I don't want to give anything away for those who have not yet lived through this amazing experience that is so much more than a movie but all I will say is that I laughed, I cried, and I fell in love. :)

After the fabulous movie, the girls and I headed over to Festa, a karaoke lounge nearby. It was pretty much the greatest place ever - well, as far as karaoke lounges come. We had some cosmos (duh) and ended up staying at the bar till almost 4 am!!! No joke - the bartenders loved us so much, they kept open till 4 am for us - which was pretty much the most amazing thing ever.

As I made my way home, I noticed messages from Mr. Lawyer. I was drunk enough to call him back and basically asked him to not speak to me ever again (again, again and again). UGH.

So first and foremost, I need to write about Sex & the City (aka SATC). I went with a large group of ladies (duh) to the Kabuki theater - awesome movie theater because its complete with a bar! We smuggled our own champagne in as any smart girls would do knowing how crowded the movie/bar would be. Girls were literally dressed to the nines - dresses, hot shoes - and all for a movie! I LOVED every minute of the experience. We had a few glasses of champagne in the bar and then headed in to the movie with glasses smuggled from the bar and more champagne.

I don't want to give anything away for those who have not yet lived through this amazing experience that is so much more than a movie but all I will say is that I laughed, I cried, and I fell in love. :)

After the fabulous movie, the girls and I headed over to Festa, a karaoke lounge nearby. It was pretty much the greatest place ever - well, as far as karaoke lounges come. We had some cosmos (duh) and ended up staying at the bar till almost 4 am!!! No joke - the bartenders loved us so much, they kept open till 4 am for us - which was pretty much the most amazing thing ever.

As I made my way home, I noticed messages from Mr. Lawyer. I was drunk enough to call him back and basically asked him to not speak to me ever again (again, again and again). UGH.