7 posts tagged “friends”

I had to leave work a little early yesterday in order to rescue my wash and fold from the dry cleaners - it has literally been over a month since I've done laundry. Its not just laundry I'm lagging on, its everything. And I blame the break-up. Its like I have this "I don' t care" attitude when it comes to responsibilities including moving my car to avoid parking tickets. Not only have I been wearing dirty ass clothes to the gym for the past week but I've also accumulated about 8 parking tickets over this past month since the break-up after a string of NO parking tickets in something like 5 months. Crazy, how that  happens.

Anyway, after I retrieved my wash & fold, I decided to go and get my nails and toes did. I was relaxing in my chair when Mr. Lawyer called. He said he was on his way to some community group for church. We talk about how he basically acted like I didn't exist at the gym and how hard this has been. After we hang up and my nails are dry, I decide to call in sick to my date. I just wasn't feeling up to it. I walked to the grocery store got some refrigerated Indian food and made my way home for a relaxing night with my TV. It was just what I needed. Around quarter to 9, after a long conversation with my mom who just returned from Mexico, Mr. Lawyer called. We talked for several hours last night and even ended on a pleasant "good night" note.

In fact, most of the conversation was pleasant. We talked about everything, what was happening between us and opened up about the way we were both feeling. I told him I have to be mean to him right now - its defense - its trying to shield the actual pain and hurt I feel. He said he was hurting too. He said he had talked to his mom about the break-up for the first time and that she said that sometimes every good relationship needs to take a break to realize what's there. She said that she and his dad split up, got back together and then were married. He said maybe we just need time to realize if we're right for each other. Maybe he's right. I don't know. He said he wants to see me. He acted for the first time like he really did CARE that I was dating other people and got a little possessive - like tell that guy to back off - I  have to admit that made me feel good. So we've agreed to hang out again - like dinner and a drink - to talk and sort of "date" one another to see if we can't live without one another. I've decided that no matter what my friends say and even if this just ends in further heart break, I have to give love another chance. I can't just blow him off to do it. I still love him. I still want him in my life. And if there's still a glimmer of hope, I think I have to at least try. I'm not ready to just let him go.

So we'll see how things go from here. I'm not sure what will happen - could  be good or bad - but at least I will always know that I loved and took a chance on it.

I'm not saying I won't date other people. I'll continue to do that until he decides what he wants. I'm not just going to sit back and wait for him and I was honest with him about that. But I have to take him up on his offer to date and I have to trust that he really isn't looking for something better but taking time to make sure we're right.

Ugh - I wish it were easier than this.

Anyway, I think I will go wakeboarding in Sacramento this weekend...should be fun.

So last night, I went to dinner at Tres Agaves and then the Giant's game with a group of my girlfriends, A, A, C, N, Y and S. Y invited two of her co-workers to dinner as well which caused a slight panic being that the restaurant was crowded and we had only reserved a table for 6. Luckily, our waiter was pretty understanding and moved an additional table over to ours.

Anyway, as usual we're talking about men, relationships, and sex and my friend N mentions that she dislikes The Reverend (she has mentioned this before). Its a little irritating to me because the only reason she dislikes him is because he is a pastor and is liberal with his beliefs which I actually think is a pretty cool thing. Anyway, I tell her that's fine because its not like I'm in love with the guy or dating him exclusively or even sleeping with him! I mean, I'm just hanging out, or "dating" him - and what's the harm in that? I'm also "dating" like 8 other people. And as I am saying this, Y and N both kind of jump on me with, "don't go jumping back into a relationship.." And I'm irritated. I'm like, first of all, I didn't "jump" into my last relationship. I can't help it if I went out with him and needed to see him again, craved him, and then eventually fell in love with him. Sometimes you can't control who you love or when you love, it just happens. And, in my opinion, its nobody's business but your own, who you choose to date, love, marry, etc. As long as you're happy, that's all that should matter. So, I took offense and then was on defense. And when I get like that (especially when there's half a pitcher of margaritas at my disposal), it sort of takes over me for the rest of the night and I become a little bitchy - ok, a lot bitchy.

I was probably pretty snappy with them last night - in particular N and Y. I probably ignored them both a little during the game and they're probably slightly angry with me. But, its just like "back off!" All I'm doing right now is trying to heal. And for me, the best way to heal is to be social, is to be desired, and date. I am not one to lock myself in a room for a few weeks or cry myself to sleep every night. I mean, don't get me wrong - I still cry - I just choose to do it after a free dinner. I'm hurt. I'm still in love with Mr. Lawyer. I wish it were different. But I didn't "jump" into anything more than anyone else does. And I definitely don't judge my girlfriend's decisions to be or not be in relationships, to love or not love someone. I don't totally agree with all my friend's choices in men but that doesn't mean I say to their face, "I don't like him" or something to that extent.

I don't know. Ugh. I was frustrated, irritated and feeling defensive.

Anyway, the game was cold but fun. The Giant's (of course) lost badly. Best part was that the baseball player I hooked up with in college now plays for the Giant's and struck out last night. I definitely did a little dance and gave a little cheer for his failure. :) I know, I'm bad.

So Mr. Lawyer and I are officially over. There's no real rhyme or reason - other than the simple fact that he doesn't love me and doesn't think he can love me. Its just so weird because he was being super boyfriend the whole night and then out of nowhere breaks up with me. I've had a week to sort of brood over it. I've had the ups and downs, the tears, the heartache and the many conversations with my girlfriends....but none if it will change what has already happened. Oh well. There's nothing more to do now - its time to just move on.

Mr. Psycho Hose Beast Ex has also been back. He sent me an email saying basically that he wanted to finally come clean. Apparently, when all the badness and madness (as I like to call it) was happening...all the shit that caused us to finally call off our engagement and basically drive each other mad, was a result of his coke habit that I had no idea he had. He emailed me this long explanation of how now that he's clean, he realizes that he's fucked up the best thing that ever happened to him. He turned away from me instead of asking for my help and now he wants my forgiveness and understanding. I've forgiven friends for drugs. I've never held a grudge but how do you let someone back into your life who royally fucked up your heart, your ability to believe and to love? I just don't know...

On a lighter note, the dating blog is back. I'm officially single and am going out (again) like a mad woman. Trying to keep busy and my mind off of things...I am once again a serial dater extraordinaire!

Met Mr. English Boy last week at a bar. I was rude to him - told him I thought he was an arrogant prick. He asked for my number and I thought, what the hell. He called me the next day and wanted to grab a drink so I agreed to meet him at A16. He's really nice, and has that funny boy English charm but I think he may just be too young for me. He's a year younger than me - and I know that's not a lot but it still feels a bit like robbing the cradle. He seems smart too - sales for Intel - and they flew him out from London to do that and gave him some snazzy downtown apartment - so we'll see. He's been persistent - we're doing dinner tomorrow night somewhere in North Beach.

Tonight, I'm meeting up with a friend of mine and his friends from business school. He's an analyst from New York who I met on my last business trip - he was a guest at one of the media dinners we threw and we hit it off. He's young, cute and smart -  but this isn't technically a date - just dinner, catching up and meeting his friends. Plus, I'm pretty sure he must think I have a man...or at least if he's paid any attention to my Facebook page...

Saturday, I'm going sailing with some people....so yeah...busy weekend already...life of a party girl begins NOW!!!!

I did a bad, bad thing. I flirted with temptation - possibly with disaster.

Mr. Lawyer and I are still "together" but something is strange, not right. We had this long talk after the break-up and he decided he wasn't really ready to be broken up, that he wanted to keep trying. Problem is - for how long? And what is his reason? I can't help but keep wondering? Is he waiting for that chick to come around and see how wonderful is he? Or is it something else entirely? He tells me its because he's "not certain..." and felt "trapped."

I went and ran my relay and had a f*ing fantastic time this past weekend. Sometimes doing something challenging that you're good at can be the BEST ego boost in the world and it was definitely what I was needing. I left for the weekend, didn't contact him at all - gave him his SPACE - and he ended up contacting me and acting like "Super Boyfriend" for a day or so. Now, we're sort of back to where we were. He was being distant last night and acting bored. I told him he should go out, do something with his friends - I was working. He stayed anyway. I wanted to have sex, to make love to be touched and I got nothing for the past several days.

Yesterday, an old flame reappeared in my inbox. One of those flames that sort of passion-wise never went out. We started chatting over email casually - it was small talk - how are you? life? family? friends? Then, it got downright dirty. Somehow we started reminiscing about this entirely wonderful passionate weekend and then it sort of became email sex. Jesus! I've never done something like that before. It almost went too far - and then I thought to myself, what am I doing? I feel terrible about it - I've never cheated - and while I didn't do anything physical, a part of me feels very guilty for even thinking/talking about it. I don't know what to think now - if he doesn't start to pay attention to me soon, I don't know if I can keep being there for him.

Ugh - no more emailing dirty messages though. I've got to keep that one under wraps or my IT guy is going to find out. :)

This weekend was a blazing 80 degrees in San Francisco - absolutely gorgeous and oh so rare!

Friday night was my surprise dinner. Mr. Lawyer and I went to NOPA on Divisadero and Fulton and it was absolutely amazing. I ordered some sort of beet salad with goat cheese and the halibut - all really tasty - I also had a few glasses of wine. He ordered a salad and the lamb shank (I didn't taste either). It was a nice evening  - we were pleasant and the evening went really smooth - really, without a single hitch. When we got home, my roommate and her boyfriend were up drinking a bottle of wine and we chatted with them for a few before heading into the bedroom for some really amazing sex.

In the morning, he left early - around 7:30 or so to go surfing - apparently there were waves. The weather was so beautiful that I decided I shoudl get out of bed early too. I headed up to Mt. Tam for a run and ended up running for a good two hours soaking up the sun and climbing the mountain. It was a really nice run and put me in the best mood. On my drive home, he called and wanted to know what I was up to, maybe get lunch then go to a party at the Beach Chalet. I said, sure to all of it. He asked me to call when I got closer to home. When I did - he was napping and really irritable - said, forget lunch. So I showered, got myself together for the rest of the afternoon and then he called (all chipper this time) and was ready to come over and was ready for lunch. Grrr. I was over lunch at that point so he grabbed a quick sanwhich and we headed over to Beach Chalet with his roommate. We met up with some of his roommate's friends who were all really nice - my only complaint was that we were sitting INSIDE on a beautiful day. I finally conviced my man and the roommie to head outside with our drinks. The sun felt amazing. After a couple of drinks, we decided to head over to his friend's BBQ in lower Pac Heights - all law school friends. Again, everyone was really nice - well everyone except this girl R who I"ve met at several functions. She is never nice to me. I'm not sure why but I get this awful vibe from her and I pretty much dread seeing her. She has a boyfriend - a serious boyfriend so I don't think her hatred is because she wants my guy or anything....but anyway. The BBQ wasn't all that exciting. He left me for a good deal of time talking to his boring law school friends but I dealt with it and smiled about it anyway. We stayed till sunset and then dropped his roommate off at his place and continued on to meet my roommate and her bf at Shanghai Kelly's because I'd left my keys in the apartment. I don't think he really wanted to stay but I convinced him to go in for a drink anyway. We had a few drinks. We met there and a part of me kind of liked being there with him again. Afterward, we went back to my place and he was passed out almost immediately. Oh well.

Yesterday, he got up early to surf again but this time asked me to head out to Ocean Beach with him which was a nice change. I laid out for about two hours while he surfed in the early morning sunlight - it was really nice. Then, my friends called and said they were BBQing in Golden Gate Park so we got the sand off our feet and went and met them and their kickball team there. It was me, J, Y, C N, and Mr. Lawyer - eating turkey dogs, drinking Blue Moons and enjoying the sunshine and heckling the kickballers. Before too long, Mr. Lawyer decided he was leaving to get some work done and I stayed on with my friends. We closed down the park and made our way towards my house. It was just J and I at this point - my other friend N was texting and wanted to meet up - so we decided to dinner at Mamacita's (again, again, again) - and A and C met up with us as well. Lots of fun but too much food. I still feel sick.

During dinner, he was texting me. We had said we were going to do laundry last night and he was concerned it would close if we (or I) didn't start it before long. I said, sorry no can do, at dinner. So he came by to get my keys. He was very nice (surprisingly) and started the laundry. When we got back, I was so out of it. We put the laundry in the dryer and then I passed out almost immediately - too much sun and way too much food.

This morning, he went down and got our laundry and woke me up calling me his "little crawfish" or his "little lobester" which I sort of loved - more the fact that he said "MY little lobster" and "MY little crawfish." That was nice despite the fact he was pointing out my bad sunburn - ooops.

Anyway, hoping this trend continues. Still waiting for an L-Bomb - wondering if that will ever happen?

Yesterday by the pool, cousin A, J and I were talking about sex and penis size. It was interesting that the three of us all felt differently about size. Different strokes for different folks, right?

The funny thing was, I'm the only one who doesn't like them to be gigantic. I sort of like the average man. When its too big, it hurts for me while the other girls said for them, "it hurts so good..." hahah. I love afternoons with the girls!

This is an excerpt from an email from a good friend.....I thought I would share because it brightened my day today:

Crap, I don’t know what to say.  He sounded really great.  But do you think, that somewhere deep down inside maybe you did sabotage because you weren’t ready? I can say from experience that a damaging relationship takes more than a few months to get over. 

'And if he does return the email, and he still wants to be around …then fine he must really be worth it.  If not, then whatever.  You were honest. There is nothing wrong about being honest about your feelings.  Even if you don’t get anything in return.  At least it’s out there, and you were truthful with yourself and with him.  Honesty, in the end, never hurt anybody.