A bad, bad thing

I did a bad, bad thing. I flirted with temptation - possibly with disaster.

Mr. Lawyer and I are still "together" but something is strange, not right. We had this long talk after the break-up and he decided he wasn't really ready to be broken up, that he wanted to keep trying. Problem is - for how long? And what is his reason? I can't help but keep wondering? Is he waiting for that chick to come around and see how wonderful is he? Or is it something else entirely? He tells me its because he's "not certain..." and felt "trapped."

I went and ran my relay and had a f*ing fantastic time this past weekend. Sometimes doing something challenging that you're good at can be the BEST ego boost in the world and it was definitely what I was needing. I left for the weekend, didn't contact him at all - gave him his SPACE - and he ended up contacting me and acting like "Super Boyfriend" for a day or so. Now, we're sort of back to where we were. He was being distant last night and acting bored. I told him he should go out, do something with his friends - I was working. He stayed anyway. I wanted to have sex, to make love to be touched and I got nothing for the past several days.

Yesterday, an old flame reappeared in my inbox. One of those flames that sort of passion-wise never went out. We started chatting over email casually - it was small talk - how are you? life? family? friends? Then, it got downright dirty. Somehow we started reminiscing about this entirely wonderful passionate weekend and then it sort of became email sex. Jesus! I've never done something like that before. It almost went too far - and then I thought to myself, what am I doing? I feel terrible about it - I've never cheated - and while I didn't do anything physical, a part of me feels very guilty for even thinking/talking about it. I don't know what to think now - if he doesn't start to pay attention to me soon, I don't know if I can keep being there for him.

Ugh - no more emailing dirty messages though. I've got to keep that one under wraps or my IT guy is going to find out. :)